ascendantclassic: (Default)
Sometimes I forget I'm a real person.

This is such a weird thing concept, but just hear me out.

I just think its weird that I have a name? And People think of me when they hear it... And they have certain songs or foods or smells that make them think of me. And even though I know I am an ever-changing being, I am immortalized in someone's memory because of how they knew me.

People see me on the train and on the street and might think, "They looks interesting, I wonder what their life is about." People have crushes on me and miss me and think I'm fun or maybe an asshole.

IDK, I feel more like... just a brain than a person... And when I look in the mirror I kind of feel detached from my body. Like that can't be my face...
ascendantclassic: (Default)
MEN STOP THREATENING TO KILL YOUR DAUGHTERS BOYFRIENDS TO PROVE YOUR MASCULINITY AND SHOW THAT YOUR DAUGHTER IS YOUR PROPERTY 2K15
ascendantclassic: (brow)
VERY FEW PEOPLE MAKE IT THROUGH “INITIATION”. ESPECIALLY NEUROTYPICALS, CIS HET, OR WHITE PASSING FOLK WHO DON’T HOLD THEMSELVES ACCOUNTABLE OR TAKE OFFENSE WHEN I DO.

AT A CERTAIN POINT, MY SYMPTOMS, BEING “TOO” OUTSPOKEN, AND HAVING “EXTREME” VALUES OR OPINIONS, BECOME A DETERMINING FACTOR IN MAKING OR BREAKING A RELATIONSHIP - PLATONIC, ROMANTIC, OR FAMILIAL.

I’M SLOWLY BUT GRADUALLY LOSING TOLERANCE FOR PROBLEMATIC BEHAVIOR. YOU CAN BE A GOOD PERSON BUT THIS ISN’T SOMETHING I WILL COMPROMISE. I HAVE NO TIME FOR EVEN A HINT OF TRANSPHOBIA, HOMOPHOBIA, RAPE CULTURE, PEDOPHILIA, RACISM, SEXISM, MISOGYNOIR, XENOPHOBIA, COLORISM, FATPHOBIA, AGEISM, ISLAMOPHOBIA, OR ABLEISM BEING UNACCOUNTED FOR IN MY CYPHER.

ACTUALLY, I’VE NEVER HAD THE TOLERANCE. THE DIFFERENCE NOW IS I’M ENFORCING ACCOUNTABILITY BY CHALLENGING MY ANXIETY AND CONFRONTING ANYONE IN MY SPACE WHO MAKES LIGHT OF THE SHARED EXPERIENCES OF PEOPLE SUBJECTED TO ANY OF THE AFOREMENTIONED PREJUDICES. YOUR INABILITY TO FIND HUMOR OUTSIDE OF PEOPLE’S STRUGGLES IS NOT FUNNY AT ALL TBH, PRETTY UNORIGINAL, AND VERY UNIMPRESSIVE. THERE ARE EFFECTIVE COMEDIANS THAT GET PAID FOR THAT SHIT AND AREN’T OFFENSIVE, Y'KNOW?

IF YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE BY MY DEMANDING YOU MAKE ACCOMMODATIONS FOR DISADVANTAGED FOLK, IF ASKING YOU TO MAKE THE SAME EFFORT WE HAVE TO MAKE TO SURVIVE IN A WORLD/SOCIETY/SYSTEM TAILORED TO ADVANTAGE YOU, IF YOU FEEL YOU’RE DOING A GREAT SERVICE BY ADJUSTING YOUR BEHAVIOR TO BE LESS OFFENSIVE THEN YOU CAN KICK ROCKS.

I DON’T EVEN HAVE FRIENDS FROM ALL THE AFOREMENTIONED GROUPS, BUT IT MAKES ME SICK TO THINK THAT ANYONE I CALL A “FRIEND” WOULD UNAPOLOGETICALLY CONTINUE PROBLEMATIC BEHAVIOR AND CONTRIBUTE TO MAKING SPACES UNSAFE FOR ANYONE. IRONICALLY, THIS IS WHY ALL MY CLOSEST FRIENDS ARE LONG DISTANCE. I WOULDN’T SAY I’M SURROUNDED BY BAD PEOPLE, BUT IT’S SAFE TO SAY THE ENVIRONMENT IS CONDUCIVE TO THE CONTINUATION OF BAD BEHAVIOR. THIS ESPECIALLY APPLYING TO MENTAL HEALTH AND OTHER INVISIBLE ILLNESSES OR EXPERIENCES.

Funny?

Sep. 24th, 2015 09:41 pm
ascendantclassic: (Default)
Someone: So what did you think about Mayweather v Pacquaio?

Me, an intellectual: I'm sorry, I've never heard of that court case before.
ascendantclassic: Taken from Tumblr (smoke)
IT IS TRUE THAT I MISS INTELLIGENT COMPANIONSHIP, BUT THERE ARE SO FEW WITH WHOM I CAN SHARE THE THINGS THAT MEAN SO MUCH TO ME THAT I HAVE LEARNED TO CONTAIN MYSELF. IT IS ENOUGH THAT I AM SURROUNDED WITH BEAUTY.
— JON KRAKAUER, “INTO THE WILD”



I FEEL MYSTERIOUSLY EXHAUSTED, DEEP DOWN.
— ANAÏS NIN, FROM THE DIARY OF ANAÏS NIN, VOL. 3: 1939-1944



I’VE ALWAYS BEEN SOMEONE WHO LOOKS ‘TOO DEEP’ INTO SOMETHING OR SOMEONE.

THAT’S BECAUSE I REALIZED FROM A YOUNG AGE THAT THERE’S ALWAYS MORE THAN WHAT MEETS THE EYE.

— ONLY-TANIA



I CAN TELL.
SHE CRAVES
A CONNECTION
SO DEEP THAT
HER MIND DROWNS
& COMES BACK
TO LIFE WITH
EACH WAVE OF
VIBRATIONS.
BEAUTIFUL
EUPHORIA.
— IAMBRILLYANT


OVERTHINKING IS THE BIGGEST CAUSE OF OUR UNHAPPINESS. KEEP YOURSELF OCCUPIED. KEEP YOUR MIND OFF THINGS THAT DON’T HELP YOU. BE OPTIMISTIC.
— SCHNAPSLIEBE
ascendantclassic: (done)
Recently, I've been having silent issues with the partner. Meaning I haven't expressed my evolving and ever intensifying feelings.

What provoked this particular post are the events of the past two days. Yesterday, he stopped by my house only to tell me he needs to go to his mother's house to complete/fax/file paperwork. He asks me if I wanted to go, and I complied. So while he's driving (in his grandmother's car) we almost get into two different accidents due to his slightly reckless driving. I enjoy the rides because of the music and they're a get-away-from-home card.

Anyway... We get to his mother's place of residence only for them to start bickering, yet again. I believe he resents her, unknown to me, of course. He bothers her by acting confused by every question she asks. And he resists everything related to her(unable to explain their relationship any other way). I think he sees her as a threat to his authoritative power. [Possible issue with authority...]

Anyway #2: He cannot find the paperwork we go there for. I decide to play with their dogs and politely laugh at his mother's jokes about his incompetence. Meanwhile, he's searching all over the house, in the most ridiculous of places (most likely to provoke his mother). And I try to ignore my fellow humans.

After they both decide the papers are probably not at her house, we drive to his grandmother's house (where he lives primarily, along with his dementia-ridden grandfather).

I attempt to wait in the car while he goes in, and with no permission, I tread behind him, up the steps to the porch. When we enter, he walks right past his grandmother, no greeting, no acknowledgement. I reluctantly speak to her with a warming smile, watching her facial expression. I apologise in the name of my boyfriend and she says not to worry about his rudeness. Her explanation being, dealing with a dying old man, she doesn't worry about the little things that would usually bother her, such as a rude grandson.

After he cannot find the papers at his grandmother's house, he drives us to a nearby park and we walk a 3-minute trail and head home, only to stop for ice-cream right before. When we arrive at my house, we talk to my mother for awhile and goof off for a while before watching 20 minutes of an unfinished Nymphomaniac: Vol II - Extended Directors Cut. I wanted to show it to him, after watching it several times. He wants several kisses while watching, and he eventually leaves to return his grandmother's car at the previously specified time.

Stressor: Before we leave his grandmother's house, she asks us if I am to go to Vacation Bible School with him for the next day (today). She responds to her own question and says I probably cannot due to my work schedule. I reply and say I'm off and she replies, excitedly with words of approval. She says that he has to help the staff at their church. BF says nothing.

In the midst of us relaxing at my house, I ask if I'm going to his Vacation Bible School. He says no because he'll be too busy. I reply with, I wouldn't be going to hang out with him, but to learn because I'm not apart of the staff, nor the church. He replies with the same reasoning and adds that what they're teaching is science-based and if a previous knowledge is already obtained, then I wouldn't want to learn about what they're teaching.

I don't respond, hurt, and suspicious. And from my house, he puts on his shoes and leaves.

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September 2015

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